I'd Rather Feel Nothing
by meowdersmap
Summary: Draco steps into his old head boy room, tired and in pain from the war. As he looks around, he recalls nothing but painful memories of what he used to have with Hermione Granger written all over it. DHr . Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING but the plot.
1. Happy Christmas

I'd Rather Feel Nothing

_**Fanfiction inspired by the song: Fallout by Marianas Trench**_

_Chapter One_

He takes slow, careful paces around the room as memories of her flow piece by piece back into his mind. Everything feels so empty. His heart wants to ache, so badly, but all it feels is … emptiness. All it COULD feel was just emptiness; just a whole lot of nothing, as if his heart was numb. Looking around, all he could see is Hermione written all over the room, like she owns it. His heart lurches, and he struggles to hold back the tears that was put away during the long, painful battle. He refuses to give in, to let himself cry.

_**An empty room, I'm empty too, and everything reminds me of you.**_

He swipes his finger along the dusty cupboard, flicking it away weakly as he notices the blood on his hands. The war had scarred him, in a way that will and can never be undone. It took away his family, took away what he had actually started to believe was a home; it took away what could have been the start of something special for him. Took away his fresh start, ripping away the little bit of hope that was left in him. It took away Hermione Granger.

He walks mindlessly over to the dust covered bed, still looking over his blood stained hands. As he looks up, he freezes on the spot as a single tear trails down his cheek, over a raw cut. The sting was nothing compared to what his heart is feeling as he curses himself silently for coming back to this untouched room, which was so broken in so many ways.

_Flashback_

"_You know, your snore really is the most adorable thing, Granger," Draco commented as he saw his first love wake from her slumber._

_Her eyes fluttered open gently to his voice, and snorted a little as she replied softly in a teasing voice, "Malfoy, is that what you say to every girl you manage to sleep with in the morning? If so, you really do need to put more thought into what you say, seeing it's not as smooth as when you're picking girls up."_

_She propped herself on her elbow and stared smugly at the beautiful man who she'd never imagine to be in the same bed with, getting herself terribly lost in his eyes. She placed her hand at his shoulders and proceeded to slowly stroke up and down, leaving goose bumps all over his arms. Her arms crept up to his neck, resting it there, feeling him shiver at her touch. She knew exactly what that did to him and grinned._

_He lifted his hand and gently tucked a strand of her honey coloured curls behind her ear and chuckled. "Love, I'd hate to correct you, but wrong. I am flattered by your compliment to my smoothness, though, thank you. I am not as good with words afterwards frankly because I never used to have to follow protocol, therefore I never needed practice," He paused as he slowly pulled her closer to him by her waist, and whispered into her ear, "because, love, no other girl has ever been so special for me to stay for so long, possibly even forever." He finishes, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the forehead as they closed their eyes, drifting off to sleep again. They snuggled closer together, keeping warm from the chilling December air of their first Christmas together, as Hermione whispers, "Happy Christmas, Draco."_


	2. Slow Dance

I'd Rather Feel Nothing

_Chapter Two: Slow Dance_

As he is pulled back to reality, he begins to feel his heart coming back from its comatose-state, but that didn't help much. Now that he was capable of feeling, his heart clenched and ached in unbearable pain. He now wishes he feels nothing, instead of feeling as if his heart was bleeding. His tense face showed no emotion as tears begins to well up and stream down his pale, thin face.

He continued towards the arm chair situated in front of the old fireplace. He stares into it, remembering the warm fire that once kept not only their bodies warm for winter air, but also their hearts; now, it is replaced by nothing but dust, soot and broken dreams. He paced in front of it and sat down on the chair, picking up a book that sat on a cushion beside him. Draco holds the old book in his rough hands, sitting there for minutes, unmoving; his tears dropping upon the letters '_Hogwarts: A History', _and then sliding down the aged cover. His hands grip the book harder, trying to feel something more than the emotional pain. He closes his eyes, letting the remaining tears fall into his lap. He brings the book up to his chest, covering his heart as he tried to ease the hurt that left it pounding painfully against his ribcage.

"_You know, Granger, instead of barging into my room, you could simply ask. You should know by now that I'm not _always_ mean." Draco smirked as he walked in with nothing but his boxers on, surprising Hermione. She was about to say something but stopped short and blushed when she caught sight of Draco at his half-naked state as he winked at her. She quickly dove back into the book she had been reading and quietly snorted; her cheeks stained a bright pink colour. He padded barefoot over to the slim figure curled up on the armchair, small frame huddled over the enormous book. He steps behind her and smoothes a hand over her honey curls. Draco sighed, and rolled his eyes as he sees the book she's been reading and said, "Don't you ever get tired of reading Hogwarts: A History?" _

_She looks up and gives him a small smile, her chocolate brown eyes looking warmly into his. He brought his hand down to her chin, bending down to give a soft peck on the cheek, then continued to trail kisses down to her neck. Hermione turned around and her arms snaked around his neck and up into his hair, where she tangled her fingers with his silver locks and pulled him down towards her. He reached out to catch himself from falling too hard on her, putting his hands on either side of her head, resting on the arm of the chair. The kissed passionately, the kiss deepening with every second passed. Suddenly, Hermione releases a loud cry and immediately, Draco pushed off of her, afraid he had hurt her. "What's wrong, 'Mione?" Draco asked, panicking as he checked her over, his forehead creasing with worry. He caressed her face and looked into her eyes, afraid of tears. He never was any good with women crying. Seeing no tears, he relaxes a little when he hears a quiet giggle. He looked at her curiously, as she responded sheepishly, "It was just the page creasing under you." His smile reappeared as he picked up the book and set it aside, pulling her up by her hands. He wrapped his arms around her trim waist, resting his forehead against hers, and she brings her arms up around his neck. They swayed side to side in front of the fireplace, slow-dancing to the sound of crackling flames, eyes closed. She opens her eyes and looks up at him as she quietly whispers, "You know, you're really cute when you're worried, Malfoy."_

_He gives her a small smile; eyes still closed, he kissed her on the nose. They stopped swaying and he sat down on the armchair, pulling her onto his lap. They shifted slightly, making only enough room for them to fit together closely like puzzle pieces. As they fire roared soundlessly, Hermione once again picks up her book and continued to read as Draco buried his nose into her hair, getting lost in the smell of it. The scents of her vanilla strawberry shampoo mixed with the smell of old books were intoxicating, sending him straight to heaven. He nuzzled her neck and whispered against her skin, "You know, if you continue to smell this way, Granger, I'm going to have to keep you confined in this room on this armchair every day." He traced feathery light kisses from the base of her neck up to under her jaw, sending tingles down her back and making her squirm. _

"_Well then, Mr. Malfoy, what WOULD you like me to smell like?" she replied, snuggling closer to him._

"_As much as I love this smell, I'd much rather prefer something that would not make me want to eat you," he replied, barely audible._

_He continued his kisses, following the jaw line up to her earlobe, reaching her sensitive spot and giving it a kiss, causing her to squeal. She then turned around, setting the book down once again carefully, and straddled him. Looking at him with one eyebrow up, she asked in a teasing tone, "Are you suggesting cannabali—"_

"_Love, you're talking too much," he interrupted as he pulled her down to him and attacked her plump pink lips, feeling them smile against his._


	3. Toothpaste

I'd Rather Feel Nothing

_Chapter 3: Toothpaste_

He set down the heavy book and stiffly lifted his hand, wiping roughly at his tear-stained face with his sleeve. Standing up, he felt the pain becoming more excruciating, making him weak and causing him to bend over to grab a hold of something before he collapses. He looks down at his bloody hands again and suddenly, feeling sickly unclean, he rushes towards the bathroom. Turning and stepping inside quickly, he turns on the rusty tap and holds his hands underneath the freezing water. He watches in silent as the cool liquid runs over the cuts, washing away the blood and dust and revealing purpling bruises. He continues to stare as his head flushes with the memories of the war, flashing pictures of the lost ones and images splattered with crimson blood, like a slideshow of a never ending nightmare that will forever haunt him. He shakes his head violently to try to clear his head of the memories. His head pounds with insufferable pain, but the horrible images won't budge. Finally, he stops, seeing stars and collapsing against the counter, feeling weak and sick in his gut. He closes his eyes and watches as the stars fade slowly on the inside of his eyelids, his breathing quickening as a new feeling of anger begins to bubble. He was angry at the war, angry that they have won; he was angry at himself. He could've done something; if he hadn't been so cowardly and given in to his insane father and Lord Voldemort, Hermione would still be by his side. He lifts his head and forces open his tired eyes, only to see the image of an unrecognizable mess of a boy looking right back at him. The pale, thin face in the mirror was but a stranger; the bloke he had seen just months before had changed beyond recognition. His shiny silver hair, smoothed back, now replaced by tousled messy hair, a dull shade of grey; his once sparkling, warm glowing eyes, is now lifeless and emotionless. His shoulders once square and quite muscular, with the girl of his dreams and her mass of honey brown curls peering over it is now replaced by slumped and tired arms, depending on the counter to hold up the weight of him – and no girl. He closes his eyes and drops his head, no longer able to hold it up. He squeezes his eyes shut as tight as he can with the little energy he had, wishing it was all just a nightmare, and when he wakes, she will be beside him, dreaming away, her lips curled into a small smile. With the bit of hope he had left, he took a deep breath and lazily opened his eyes. His heart shatters as he sees that he is still in front of the mirror, but is brought to shock when he sees that there is someone else staring back at him. A familiar figure stood behind him in the reflection, her face lighting up the room almost instantly, her glowing smile warming up the cold place. The pain in his heart eased a bit, thinking she had come back and fooling himself into believing so. But his happiness was temporary and his relief was short-lived as he caught himself, his heart was torn as it had come back to him - she was already gone. He didn't dare take his eyes off of her, didn't dare look back, and his sleep-deprived eyes struggle to stay open. He knows that the moment they close, it will be the last time he would see Hermione's smile ever again. He bit his bottom lip hard, straining his eyes to stay put, but knowing that he was fighting a losing battle. Or one already lost. Tears fell as his lids finally gave and fell. He was so tired and now he wanted nothing more than to keep them closed forever. The ball of anger in the pit of his stomach grew. He curled his fingers into a fist and slammed into the mirror, shattering it, sending pieces of it flying everywhere. Blood droplets trailed from where his fist landed as he held it there. The pain slowly slipping into numbness, his whole body shakes with weak force as he lets out a choked sob, squeezing his eyes even tighter.

"_Oi, Granger!" Draco shouted and flinched, attempting to dodge the splashes of water coming his way. He put down his toothbrush and wiped his face of the droplets of water as he heard her burst into a fit of giggles. Draco looked over to her, losing himself in the beautiful sight stood in front of him. He was in love with the most stunning girl, and he still couldn't figure out what he had done to deserve her as he watched her double over laughing, clutching her stomach; her pink lips were curled into a perfect grin, emitting what could possibly be the most angelic sound of laughter that Draco has ever heard, causing him to fall even more in love with her. He rested his hand on the marble counter and leaned casually against it, his smile getting bigger as his gaze remained fixated on the tiny figure. He constantly thanks the gods for sending him an angel, sending him her love. He was finally brought back by a lovely voice calling his name, the only way he'd like it to be said. _

"_Malfoy, I realize that I'm fabulous and all but will you quite staring? I am quite tired out and ready for bed," Hermione mocked sarcastically, "…and also you might want to…" _

_Before she could finish, in one swift move he picked her up by the waist and settled her onto the counter. He then leaned into her until his face was merely inches away from hers. Hi lips brushed softly against hers and smirked against hers as he said, "Might want to _what_, pet?"_

_Hermione leaned slowly into his ear and whispered, "Love…" _

_Draco shivered at the contact of her warm breath against the shell of his ear and her voice grazing against the skin of his neck, leaving goosebumps. _

"…_you've got a bit of toothpaste on the tip of your nose." As soon as she finished, she arched her back, her hands on his shoulders as she burst into another fit of giggles and soft snorts. Calming down, she wiped his nose with her sleeve and then gently gave it a kiss. Hopping down from the counter, she headed towards the bedroom, pulling Draco along behind her by his hand. He chuckled then spun her around and threw her over his shoulders, causing her to squeal as he laughed and walked towards the bed._

**A.N.: **So this took a long ass time. I apologize greatly for the delay of this chapter. Thank you so much for reading. If you'd like, please leave some feedback (: This heart-wrenching fic will be continued until I get bored of it or run out of ideas. BUT JUST SAYING THAT FEEDBACK WOULD REALLY MOTIVATE ME. Thanks again and have a wonderful day.


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